My mom passed away in April 2011, how long does it take for the pain to go away?
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I can't think about her yet, it really really bothers me, so I try to block it out. Is this normal or should I think about her and cry it out. I don't know how to greive.
THIS IS a HELP ME question
Answers to this question:Hi, My name is Michael Moody, and I'm going to answer this question, from life expierence.
I am a college student working 2 jobs going to school full-time to take care of my siblings, because my mom passed away 1 month ago.
I'm going to be honest it is such a hard thing to go through and it's a long and everlasting grieving proccess.
The best thing at the begening to do is to just cry, cry, cry. Pain can be released through crying and it helps your stress level, anxiety and is an over all healthy aspect to the healing proccess.
One thing I can tell you for sure, is don't let yourself become numb to the situation. I am a firm believer of being optimistic about anything and everyting. You may be asking yourself the question... What's good about a death? Nothing is good about a death, but what is good about it, is the fact that your mother knows that your in a good spot.
Shine for her, get active in things such as this website.
Share her story, share the good moments and good times you have been through.
Get to a point were you can honestly tell yourself that she is in a good place and she is being taken care of.
This world is a crazy and horrid place, tell yourself if she ain't her she must be in a better place because this world is full of hatred and feer.
Don't be afraid, be strong and encourage yourself to be strong.
It has only been a month since my mothers death, and there are still times throughout my day that I break down, its gonna happen you can't help that. Don't fight it, apply it.
The number one thing that you have to keep in mind is your mindset, don't get yourself down in the dump, and in no way begin to blame yourself.
DON'T THINK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD OF DONE, THINK OF WHAT YOU DID!
Stay strong and anything is possible! (:
I am raising my two little boys myself and it's hard to deal with losing mom and taking care of these two little fellas. When I get overwhelmed and want to cry I can't because I don't want to upset the kids, they miss nanny too.......thanks for your comment !! Yes the world is a crazy and horrid place and I am glad she is in heaven and that she doesn't have to deal with the world anymore, but I wasn't ready to let her go......she just had an operation on a hyatus hernia, she waited 2 years for it, and we didn't want her to get it done due to her past health issues, but she got it done anyways............long story short, her operation caused alot of complications, heart attack, stroke, kidney failure....it was horrible.....I miss her so much but seeing her die for 6 weeks and what she had to go through is haunting me, that is why I try to block it out....I can't think about it. But I know time will pass and it will get easier.............thank you....
Kathy, while I haven't suffered such a loss, I have a degree in neuropsychology and maybe that means I can be of help to you. I'll try, anyway. The thing about the brain is that when something traumatic happens, such as a terrible loss, the memory of that trauma gets stuck in a different part of the brain than the place where most memories go after they're processed. It's like a paper jam in a printer.
The key is to process the memory so that it goes where all the other memories go. That's not to say you will or should FORGET your mother--of course not! But it doesn't help you at all to be stuck in the trauma as if it's still happening, and it doesn't mean that you love your mother more than you would if you put your feelings where they belong.
So what can you do? A few things. Seek counseling with a therapist. Talk about your mom (and not just with the therapist; talk about her with whomever you feel comfortable!), come up with strategies to use when the loss hits you anew, and talk about your future. What will your life look like in the coming years? Is it different or the same because your mother died? A little of both?
There are specific strategies that are great for recovering from loss and trauma. One is EMDR, which is a type of treatment you get in a therapist's office, and usually involves listening to different sounds in each ear, to stimulate your two brain hemispheres differently. For some reason, this helps you process your trauma more effectively.
Another is PEAT, developed by a Syrian psychologist. It involves touching different parts of your face and body with two fingers while thinking about your feelings and beliefs in a specific pattern. I find it really helpful when I'm upset!
There is also meditation. Meditation can even be as simple as deep breathing and muscle relaxation. A lot of people find it soothing and it releases their tensions long enough for them to move forward with their lives.
You can also do things like write letters to your mother, distract yourself in the toughest moments with movies, books, food, you name it.
But to answer the second part of your question, there is no right way to grieve. What does your gut say? Do you want to think about her? Or do you want to set it aside for now? Just be sure that you are following Sigmund Freud's advice, and not doing anything to the extreme. Don't obsess, and don't block her out, either. Your love will be around forever, and you will probably always feel some degree of pain for this tragic loss. The important part is that you make good choices for yourself. How will you deal with the pain of loss? That's up to you. Live your life!
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Kathy, the pain never really goes away. It's always there in the back of my mind. But you develop ways of dealing with it.
I'd say that it's best not to ignore it. I know you want to be tough and self-sufficient, but I think it's best to do what your soul tells you to do and if that's to cry ... then cry, yell, moan, screech ... let it all out.
My mom died in December of 1983. She was sixty and I was 31. For the longest time, when I'd see a young woman with her mom enjoying a day at the mall or shopping for groceries together I would just start crying uncontrollably. I didn't care what people thought. My grief was my grief to be lived as I wanted to live it.
There have been milestones in my life that I wished I could share with her. There have been losses for which I wished I had her comfort. Nothing can change that she is no longer in your life. They say there are five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The sooner you get to the acceptance phase, the better to my way of thinking.
Yes, my mother is dead, yes I miss her, yes I wish she were still living, but that is not the way that it is. I accept that she is not in my life and I go on. That's what we do. Because there will always be loss.
I'm sending you hugs and love and good thoughts!
ALL the answers you people have given me are perfect !!!!!!! Thank you, but I can only chose one, I would love to chose them all honestly !!!!! But something in Dianne's answer touched my heart in a different way. All your answers touched my heart but I had to chose this one.........Thank you everyone !!
Celebrate her life, never grieve her death, knowing full well that you will surely see her again and this in a remarkably short time.
We step out of our clothing, our cars and also our bodies as we are truly none of those outer coverings.
Within your heart and soul you know that what I am telling you is true; she will be around you and closer to you, in spirit, now, than she ever was before, in the flesh.
Within, 18 months or less she should be showing up in your 'dreams'.
Pay attention to how well she looks.
The pain is assuaged knowing that grief is the price that we pay for love.
I promise you, by all that I hold dear, that she is happy and well., knowing that you have grasped this seed, that you must plant and water, and that you will certainly see her again.
It is 6 years ago for my mom - I still have my moments but now it is more remembering laughter and good times and that she is whole, healed and with her Jesus! The first year and a half were the worst - I don't usually cry much but would grab a roll of paper towels (I buy white ones and the printed ones I knew were hers) and the tears would come thinking - she bought these, she touched these and she's gone.... Sending you an e-hug!
Dear Kathy, they say that time cures all, however, it is not time but your approach to whatever malady you feel. Inyour case, the memory of your great and sweet moments with your mother will push away the void that you feel. I lost my brother just last year, he was 4 years older than I. I miss him and all the good and trouble times that we shared together. I have been writting about them and reminising and it fills me full of laughter and joy that I had such experiences. I do not publish but share my writtings with my family and they enjoy them also. You see, I fill priviledged to have shared such times. You will find that your mother's spirit will always be with you and she will let you know, sometimes on a dream and sometimes through a scent. Whatever brings her to mind, . . . Let it, she will be communicating her love in many diferent ways, don't block it but accept it as a proof that her love will never pass away, only the vessel of our soul can expire, the spirit is forever and so is true love.
Kathy,
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think there is anything worse than losing a parent.
It seems as if the pain never goes away, it just gets better with time and if I remember correctly the first two years are the most difficult.
Both my parents died at a young age a long, long time ago In my mom's case she was hospitalized for quite a while before her death and her death was inevitable, so it wasn't such a shock. On the other hand, my father died suddenly - a year later and it was a terrible shock because he hadn't been ill.
In the beginning, the most difficult periods for me were the holidays. Both of my parents passed away right before the holidays and what had been the most joyous days of my life, weren't any longer. To this day, there's a piece missing that just won't ever be put back in place.
Everyone deals with grief differently so you have to figure out what works best for you. I cried so much I didn't think I'd ever be able to cry again over anything, but that didn't work as the tears still came.
It seems as if blocking it out would only delay the inevitable, but if it's too painful right now, then that is what you should do.
I said the first two years were the hardest, but I think it was perhaps a full five years before I was able to actually sit down and talk about my parents without totally breaking down. The anniversary of my mom's birth was a few weeks ago and my brother and I were talking about her and laughing about some of her antics and it didn't take long before we both had tears in our eyes, so we went on to another subject and that's sort of the way it works for us.
Probably the best advice anyone can give would be to keep the faith, stay strong and grieve at your own pace and some day you'll wake up to smiles instead of tears. Your mother may not be with you physically, but she'll always be in your heart.
Pat Johnson
hi kathy,
i am sorry for your loss.
my mom passed away 22 years ago, and for the first few years, i was in a fog, even though i had a home and a 3 year old and a one year old to take care of. thankfully i did, it kept my mind busy for a little while. the pain was really bad at night, when i was alone.
i have cried more tears out of missing my mom than from any other experience. i think it does good to get it out.
i began to mend when i incorporated her into my life through what i believe to be her spirit, watching over me, and wanting what is best for me. i talk to her as if she is sitting across from me, and i believe in the signs she sends me that things will be okay, in the form of cardinals, which she loved.
holding in the grief and pain can only cause depression, ulcers, stomach problems, stress, and confusion.
cry when you need to, and try to surround yourself with pieces of your mom. i have jewelry of hers scattered around and pictures and things i took from her home when she passed, and i talk to her within my mind, just as if she can hear me, and i believe she does.
i hope some of this helps.
it does get easier to deal with the pain, but it never goes away. including her i your life through talking to her as if she is there, or as if she can hear you, helps.
my best to you,
sue
I am so grateful that people are still answering my question even thought I chose a best answer....all your replies are certainly helpful to me.....!!!!!!!!! I try to talk to my mom like you do but I just think it's me talking to myself actually. I wish I could talk to her. But I do believe that God sends me some messages from her to my heart, something that she would say if she was here. Maybe ........The way she died was so horrible I can't think about it. She had an operation to fix a hyatus hernia, 2 days after she took a heart attack then stroke and another heart attack....the dye they put in her to check her heart out at the heart hospital here, shut her kidneys down slowly...anyways I can't write about it very well, it was just horrible. She was so weak, she wasn't allowed any water since Feb 18th until she passed away on April 1st. Her mouth so black inside and all cracked, I sneaked her a little sponge of water here and there and she almost sucked it right out of my hand. There was alot more stuff I seen that I can't deal with yet. Maybe someday. I know she didn't deserve to die that way, being a Christian I know she is with the Lord now and all that agony is over with, and it does give me a sense of peace....
» Answer from Kelly Phillips Answer given 200 days 2 hours ago.I am very sorry for your loss. There is no easy "set in stone" way to grieve. We all handle grief differently. Unfortunately, the pain really never goes away, however, it gets easier to handle over time. If you can find a grief support group in your area, try it! Yes, it is normal, so go ahead and cry it out! My dad died in 1981, then my brother in 1985 and I still cry over them and miss them terribly! I lost my grandmother in 2003. I can remember thinking "what will I do without her?" Yes, it was very hard at first and I still miss her so much! As I said, it gets easier to handle over time. BTW, a grief support group showed to me handle to my feelings and I agree with the responses to this question.
Good luck to you!
Kelly Phillips
» Answer from Jenny Mendez Answer given 199 days 11 hours ago.Sorry about your mom. I think you should cry, it will make you feel better until such time it will not be that painful anymore.
thanks.....i hope
Total Answers: 11, Total Page Views: 500.Grief is something that no one can tell you how to go about it. It comes in waves like the ocean. One minute you are crying like your heart is breaking and you fell like you cannot take a minute more, and then you feel at peace. Then another day you may feel depressed for no reason. Another day you may feel angry that she died and left you. Then one day it subsides and becomes tolerable. No matter what you are feeling, know that you must NEVER blame God. Just ask Him to be your comforter and you will feel this beautiful peace inside. Let God take you in Him arms and rock you like you are a baby. You are love by Him and He is waiting for you to call out to Him.
thank you Marcia......and thanks to everyone who has given me such great information and help.....xoxoxoxo THANK YOU
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